A new regular weekly article on what’s been happening in Poland over the previous week.
A new survey was published with some interesting figures concerning the sex lives of Poles. Makes for some interesting reading so it does. If you like black comedy. Jesus, I’m from a backward Catholic country, nothing only a wee rock alone in the far East of the Atlantic, but this is Poland. A central European country. Back at home we were told that those lucky enough to live on the continental mainland were absolute animals for sex. Every man had a mistress, a wife and a girlfriend. Every woman had a husband and a male concubine to do with what she wished. And sure isn’t Poland right slap bang in the centre of Europe? You’d think they’d be mad at it like rabbits.
Well, it doesn’t look like it. It seems that the Poles aren’t getting or being poled enough.
There are some ok figures, 75% of those surveyed said they were happy with their sex life, only 9% were unhappy. Although that doesn’t really tot up. That would mean that there’s a 16% who are totally meh about their sex life. Well, surely this means they too are unhappy. If you felt indifferent to your activity between sheets then surely you’re either doing something wrong (maybe you’ve been having sex with the neighbour’s labrador?) or you’re lying in the survey and you’re really as miserable as the other 9%. So in reality, 25% of Poles are unhappy with their sex life.
A quarter of the population is unhappy with their sex life? That would be ok back in Ireland, coz about 25% of our population are dog ugly heffers, but in Poland? Poland has some of the most beautiful women on the planet. What’s going on?
Well, the answer could be one of two things. You see the survey also says that 43% of men enjoy, on average, sex 2-3 times per week. 38% of women however, give the same figure. It seems that this missing 5% must mean that there’s a significant amount of men who are cheating on their women with men. It’s the only logical conclusion. Who are these men? Well, they are the far-right of course.
This week the far-right scum went to Warsaw to get a logo ok’ed. This is the logo. It’s quite obvious that anyone who is in a group of shaven-headed men and who hate gays are repressing their own homoerotic feelings for each other. The only problem with shaven-headed gay couples is how do they tell the difference between their heads and their asses when they’re boning each other? And anyway take a look at that position, who doesn’t like a bit of doggy style? I thought it was a favourite for women. Ok the bent over one has a willy, but at least the figure behind him is doing the decent thing and giving a reach-around. Sure ’tis only fair. So, one of the reasons for the difference in figures are the homophobic homosexual members of the far-right.
The second reason for the differing figures is prostitution. One fifth of Polish male students admit to using the services of a lady of the night. Every man can see the advantage of doing it with a hooker, no boring pillow talk afterwards, no having to pretend to be interested in her boring hobbies (I had a missus once who collected those freaky porcelain dolls, they’d be staring at me while she slept). Just give her some money, blow your load and back to studying about medicine or law or dentistry or whatever it is. Of course what the survey didn’t mention is that only the richer students can afford hookers to it’s obviously going to be the lads from the higher classes availing of the services of these hard-working ladies.
Another amazing figure was that 35% of people believe that homosexuals should do everything to change their preference. Seriously wtf? If you’re a deer and you like other deers how in the name of St Ursula are you going to chage your preference to hedgehogs? I was once at a meeting of GA (Gays Anonymous, I was there for purely research purposes) and I heard this…..”Speaking as a former gorilla, I’m now a reformed lover of your species, I did at first find it hard to stop liking other gorillas, but the word of Jesus put me on track and now I only entertain the thoughts of mating with fellow Gdynians. But I will be married before I dare consumate the relationship”. True as Jaysus that did happen. Gdynia, the place to be, I’m telling you.
There was some good news for the gay community though. Even if the government doesn’t want to do it, 53% of people believe that gay couples should have the same legal entitlements as married couples.
There was nothing in the survey about favourite positions, whether the wife likes having her hair pulled (just a little), best time of day for the auld snoo-snoo, whether their women spit or swallow, how many orgasms are achieved by both parties. There was nothing about orgies, threesomes, y’know the kinky stuff.
Here’s another figure, the average age that a Pole pops his/her cherry is a shameful 18. Those poor poor teenagers, they need some place to go to have sex. I say convert every local community centre once a month into a gangbang area for the teens. 18 is too old for your first time, it implies that you’re drinking now and you’re gonna get banged by some redneck called Adam who has filled you so full of Sliwowice that you’re contemplating invading Russia to shoot down Putin’s next plane in revenge for Smolnsk. Don’t wait till you’re 18, do it when you’re young and in love and at one of those god awful summer camps that Polish parents send their teenage kids too. They only send you there so they can get all filthy at home, as your Dad can’t have sex while you’re under his roof. Anyway, fall in love quickly, made a ton of love and let it all end beautifully when on the final day you return to your swank pad in Poznan and Artur must return to work in his father’s gym in Chorzow before the school year begins again. Those memories will last forever….provided you don’t get alzheimer’s, or the like. At least you’ll have memories, unlike if you end up down an alley with Adam, the pride of Bieszszady grunting over you until the bear of a man finally comes to a stop.
Then there’s the figure that Poles on average go through life with only 4 sexual partners. Ha-hahahahaha! Losers. I have to admit I did a proper lol when I read it first. Jesus, priests in Ireland have more female sexual partners that that. True they may have many underage male sexual partners too but that’s not why we are here. Seriously, 4! People of Poland, here is the easiest way to have more sexual partners….are you ready?
Move out of your parents house. It’s like being in Italy, only the weather isn’t as good and the football is a whole lot worse. How do you expect to have a ton of sex if you still live with the auld pair. Once you’re 18 get out of the family home and learn to live alone. Have parties, fall in love, meet people, enjoy your final years in education because god knowns once you join the rat race and get married then you’ll be having fuck all sex.
One final thing before I go. City Guards in Gdansk are sending letters to parents of minors who they find smoking in public places. City Guards are basically cops but losers. They have no guns & cannot arrest you. They are usually jumped up rednecks too dumb to join the cops. So thankfully we know that there are actually some people dumb enough to not be able to use a gun. Anyway, what a ridiculous thing to do, not a million miles from the moral police you hear of in Saudi Arabia & Tehran.
See you next week.